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| Mix Kids : all for one and one for all |
There are no guidelines that can be set in terms of bringing up our little ones. But, our home has a big impact to create their future self. The question, how can make our kids jealous free?
We are aware that different countries has different traditions, beliefs, styles and so ever to hear. And, since we are from a family with 3kids, here is a sample of what we have developed inside our own home.
1. Buy for all, or do not buy at all.
This is applicable if you have children however, may not only be with your own, but also with other kids that is with you too. We believe that "child is a child". They all have same desires for everything lets say for toys, ice cream, chocolates, games and etc.
Scenario : Around you is your child along with another 2 friends. Your child wants to buy an Ice cream.
Question : Will you buy for your child alone? Or Will you buy for all of the children with you?
Situation 1: Yes I will buy for my child alone. The 2 friends was left watching and thirst for an ice cream.
Situation 2: Yes I will buy for all the child. Your kid enjoyed with friends eating ice cream together.
Analysis : Which one of the situation could best teach our child about sharing. Imagine if your own child experience the same, it will develop the sense of jealousy nature in them. As a responsible adult, we need to simply expand our love.
2. Mistake of one, is mistake of all.
Children love to point-out the mistake who's it from. Allowing them to realize that each one has a contribution for that mistake will develop them being open-minded person. The brain mapping foundation is there too.
Scenario : Each is coming to you with their own reasons and complains.
Question : What would be your response?
Situation 1: I will listen and decide who I will punish. (Then, the other child will be left either with guilt or satisfaction over complain success.)
Situation 2: I will listen and ask them what they suppose to do together. (Both of the kids expressed their feelings and in the end, will still stay together.)
Analysis : We can act as moderator between two who wants attention. "Equality is the best policy" it will avoid situation 1 that could build wall of jealousy between them. And, never leave our kids with feeling of guilt because it could destroy their personality.
3. Share each other stuffs, or they will lose it all.
It is very common among kids to fight about things, however, their argues leads them to shouting, bad mouthing and crying. Interesting how we were able to limit this situation by means of communication technique: Listen-Suggest-Action. We listen to let them speak out, we suggest and not command, and taking an action could either be from them to listen or from us to resolute.
Scenario : They were playing and started arguments. One say " It is mine" the other say " I got it first"
Situation 1 : I come to interfere and decide who I will agree with. (The child will be left either with disappointments or satisfaction over acquiring a toy successfully from the other.)
Situation 2 : I will listen and remind them of sharing otherwise, they know its consequences "play together or no more playing time" "No sharing, No toys" (The children will try to manage their situation alone so as not to put their toys away)
Analysis : At home, we are delivering messages with 1-2-3 rule of thumb. Consequences is an agreed resolution made out of the risen certain issue in order to avoid in happening again.
4. Do not use the word "you", but instead "all of you".
What we have learned is that we need to think of all our kids at the same time. Using you is very single grammatically.
Scenario : While going back home, had a conversation in the car with the kids. Both girls gained an excellent remarks at school.
Eldest expressed "I can have a gift, yehey"
My husband answered "Of course, you deserve it and I will buy for "you"
The youngest spoken "what about me, its always her who's getting a gift"
My husband, right away rephrase his previous answer to "Of course, please understand what I mean applies for both of you".
Analysis : What happen in here, "we can hear who speak, and can't see who else deserves it". One speak out but we knew that both of them was excellent at school and we must have included the other girl in our appraisal remarks made. There are more situation like this in terms of using singular YOU happening in our home and yours too. This situation is wide and it could be a future blog discussion. We have to remember, they think quick, literal and very honest person. Their heart is so fragile and they really are. We need to consider their unique personality.
5. Do not compare one to another, as well as, do not let others compare them.
We are proud parent and we love our kids. But, we tend to forget that sharing information about our kids is a very sensitive thing specially if they are around with us to hear.
Scenario: We got visitor and we need a topic of course. We saw our kids and we started stating about them one by one. The visitor might agree with you or give another commentaries.
Parent : Here is my eldest, she is excellent at school, oh, and my youngest as well. Both of them are. However, the eldest is too hard to wake up in the morning, very slow in movement and hardly eats. Unlike the youngest, she is an early bird, who never give us a problem.
Visitor : They applauded with that wide smile saying great job both of you. I can see that your eldest is very charming and friendly but the youngest is very shy.
Analysis : The kids were around during this conversation. This comparisons is like a bullet of information that feed their brain. Their mind juggles like for example : "Oh my younger sister never give them a problem but I did". "Oh, they like my eldest sister because she is smart and beautiful"
Imagine the impact on their brain. We gave them stress to think, we have to support them as they are on the stage of developing minds, by how? just avoid this situation. And, because we are our kids model, they will believe in what we say that easily. So if we say, "she is always late", "she is shy", then she might think that she really is.
Long time ago, if we got visitors all kids will stay-off limits. They either stays at their room and can appear if they were only called to. I think this is pretty idea to adopt at home again.
6. Let them learn to respect one another.
Let me share a brief description about the bamboos. They stay small as plants above the ground for years. It is those years when the roots begun to develop and when it is ready, it grows the tallest and strongest. Even flood and heavy winds could not bring it down.
Same with our kids. We need to help them develop their roots as they are like the bamboos. Some say, "they are still young they won't understand you anyways". Some expert reveals "that developing brain absorbs quickly, and their senses adopt what they see, hear, and touch since the day they were born". So there is the start of the root in there... we need to keep it up.
Likewise, respect is the root of all virtues and it is likely better to start with this. Example: we want them to speak with please and thank you, they must see it in us first.
7. Let them appreciate what they posses.
This is a very delicate situation we have to notice. If we give what they want, we could face a spoiled child someday, you can't stop it anymore if they grow up. Let them learn the meaning of the word "understand", as this would help us live in a harmonious life together.
Scenario : It is school time, we bought the eldest a pencil case and not for the youngest as she won't need it anyways at kinder stage. After 6months, my husband bought if for the youngest as a gift though she never ask.
Youngest : Thank you Dad for your gift.
Eldest : Dad, why you didn't buy for me? I want the same?
Dad : You have yours already, if your old one is damage then, I'll definitely get new one for you.
Eldest : (Insisting) But I want the same?
Dad : What do you may think about swapping with your sister?
Youngest : Yes Dad, I can share my new pencil case with her.
Eldest : And, I'll return it to you again.
8. Reward each of every good deeds they express.
Who does not need to be appreciated. Reward system has always delivered positive results. We can even use rewards instead of punishment. This means, we prefer to recognize more what they were doing great at. Therefore, our kids omits the negative environment and able to focus on themselves freely. No brain freeze !
Scenario : At home, we have the highest issue about food time. It takes even 3 hours for my kids to finish their food if you ask them to eat alone. Before I used to get irritated a lot and seeing them cry is not a good feeling on me as well. I thought that food time must be happy time, so I reverse it all.
I saw that my eldest just ate 3 spoonful alone and the youngest is almost getting done.
Mom : There you are, I can see that you had 3spoons alone ... you're doing great and please continue the same till you get done.
Eldest : Looking at me with smile, had her next spoon but still slow.
Mom : If you finish your food, I'm going to give you a surprise...
Eldest & Youngest : Both cheering and actively participated so they'll get their surprises fast.
Nobody is perfect, parents commit mistakes too. But, we can always try and always start a new.
9. Let them understand the "need" and "want".
At the mall, I heard a mother asking her child, "Is this the item necessary for you to buy?" the child, explains why and they bought it. I like what I saw and since that time, I adopted that style. It is good to let our kids get involved in a right decision making. There could be an improvement of negotiation skills in here too.
10. Go with their feelings, then only you may proceed to your point-of-views.
It is important to recognize what their feelings really reveal before we jump into certain conclusions.
Scenario : Daughter is crying, does not like to eat or do anything but just cry. First, we ask her why she cries? she does not want to talk neither. Next, we offered her some things to do or to eat but, did not work as well. We continued to try our best and she just continued crying.
But did we ever stop and wonder, why would a child cry? Crying is an expression of their emotion. So she could be hurt inside or sadness.
Mom : You must be so sad, would you like to share that story with me?
Daughter : No !
Mom : You know Mom loves you and if you are ready, I am just here to listen to you.
Daughter : (suddenly burst into tears) my doll's neck is broken, because I slept on it.
Mom : I can see now why you're sad, she is your favorite friend. What we should do now, would you like to keep her in a box, let us adore her with lots of ribbons and flowers.
Daughter : I'll draw and keep it inside the box with her.
Mom : We will surely miss her.
Now we have showed her that we understand her, we went with her feelings. And when she is ready, we surely must explain deeper the meaning of the what had transpired on that event of losing something/someone special.
11. Avoid negative comments.
If you express for example: "they are jealous" or "do not be jealous" then, they will be jealous even they are not. The kids do not know whats the meaning of what they feel, we simply just store it for them. So we must be careful a lot not to bring negative ideas into their mind.
12. Have a game about sharing.
The pack of M&M as we know, contains chocolate of different colors. To share one pack, we do guessing game and if you get it right, you win that piece. The kids learned not only sharing but also, acceptance of what they earned.
Remember, we do not need to be a doctorate nor to be any professional individual to deal with kids... just be a mom or dad, follow your heart to give what is right for them.
